News

Advice: Calling All Men!

BY Jeff Britton, Columnist

Fort Wayne, Indiana (June 8, 2009) — Most boys outgrow cooties by the age of 14. I was the exception. You see, along with my predecessor Alfalfa, I was an avowed girl-hater.

When I finally succumbed, I blamed Jonas Sauk for adding an anti-cootie antibody to the famous polio vaccine I was given as an obstinate 4th grader.

But there must be a new strain of cooties emerging because recently I have been getting kinda itchy. At first I blamed the color pink, but after studying security cam footage of our designers at work I have convincing evidence that paisley and the graphic representations of certain birds are to blame. So I developed a strategic marketing plan to thwart this menace. But my wife says that shouting out “cooties” and running away from girls is ineffective and makes me look weak.

After almost 30 years of marriage, I suppose she’s bound to be right once in a while, so I tried to encourage her by telling her so. She encouraged me to sleep on the sofa. After a long, long night of thought, I decided to help eradicate cooties once and for all. Here’s my plan.

ATTENTION! Men Everywhere! BEER! FOOTBALL! SHELBY COBRA! THE WHO, THE STONES, THE ZEP!

Thinking of these man-essentials brings me into what I like to call a “safe zone.” I hope it worked for you too. But if you are still having difficulty relaxing, you may benefit from another approach. Imagine this page as a kind of pungent sweat lodge … bongo drums … Kava Kava … Relaxed? Good!

Now that I have your attention my brothers from other mothers … permit me to say the truth.

Girls are a kind of people too: We all know girls are not like us. That doesn’t make them bad. No. It just makes them different!

Social Skills: If it weren’t for girls many of us would never shave, never go to doctors and would still draw on ourselves with ink pens. Why, I can hardly even dress myself anymore without help. Because of my wife’s helpful suggestions, I now know I should never ever “drink and dress.”

Law of the Pack: Dogs may be able to teach us fidelity, courage and to circle three times before laying down … but girls have also made important contributions to man-health. Their single-minded insistence on our use of table manners is credited with an 82% reduction in fork-related injuries among men.

Nutrition: Without girls, the man food pyramid would be 75% beer, 15% salty snacks and the balance consisting of all kinds of spiders swallowed during the night because we were sleeping with our mouths open since no one is there to poke us and make us roll on our sides.

Of course, girls are also valuable in many other ways. Because of this, men should do our best to support medical research that benefits women. Not only is it the right thing to do, but as everyone knows, we wouldn’t be here without them.

Jeff and Sure Britton are the principals of Britton Marketing & Design Group. They have been married over 30 years. Jeff credits humor as the reason he is able to work so closely with Sue, or his "spousal unit," as he affectionately calls her. When it comes to Jeff, Sue simply withholds food as her favored method of gaining his attention and ongoing cooperation.